Agony Of The Soul: English Short Story; Author: Deepak Budki; Translator: Jawahar Lal Bhat

Agony Of The Soul: English Short Story

 Author: Deepak Budki

 Translator: Jawahar Lal Bhat

She was a very senior Indian Audit and Accounts Service Officer. Her name was Shivangi Menon. Those days when she qualified,  very few girls appeared and qualified for the Civil Services Examination. Those who were successful nourished a secret desire to take aggressively compete with fellow officers. Superseding their colleagues and going ahead of them was a profound tendency, a strange fire, and a maddening urge with these young fiery women!!!

She too had nourished the same dreams. Being a single child, she enjoyed both the love of a son and the care of a daughter from her parents. Besides schooling her in a local Convent, her parents readily agreed to whatever she said and pampered her absolutely by fulfilling all her demands and aspirations. Little did they know that by doing so they were sowing the seeds of egoism, conceit and vanity in their daughter.

During probation, she became friendly with an Indian Administrative Service probationer Vikas Sharma, a happy-go-lucky, flamboyant and impassioned young man. A strong lover of music both instrumental and vocal, he also had a sweet tooth for delicious foods.

Soon both of them came very close and were seen moving together along the serpentine roads of Mussorie during late nights trying to discuss and explore future dreams of their life together. On weekends they enjoyed booze and pop music in the Whispering Windows, a restaurant patronized mostly by Westernized young. During moments of such dazedness, Shivangi opened her heart to Vikas in the hope that he would sincerely respect her love, little knowing that he belonged to a family where everything was weighed in terms of money and riches.  He however knew that he was simply passing time with her and continued taking advantage of the openness of Shivangi in the Academy.

After completion of training, both returned to their homes. Vikas, in accordance with the wishes of his parents, proceeded with his wedding procession to the house of the State Finance Minister to marry his only daughter while Shivangi kept waiting and longing for him endlessly.

It was like an earthquake in the life of Shivangi, tremors which she kept feeling continuously all her life. The tremors would have subsided had she got a suitable match but neither she could find anyone better in status compared to her nor even at par with her. Frustrated, she finally decided not to enter into a matrimonial alliance all her life.

Shivangi tried her best to get herself out of this shock but found it difficult. So she got lured to worldly pleasures, chasing money and a hedonistic way of life. Gradually she started reading fiction during her leisure besides indulging in drinking like a fish, listening to Western music and even dancing with scintillating tunes in her solitude. Time still fell heavy on her because neither smoking nor boozing helped.

When hope is lost in life, all elegance, grace, glamour, and desire to show off is finished. One is overcome with a strange sluggish attitude and inertness and the sense of inactivity overpowers. The same happened with Shivangi. She started gaining weight day after day as layers of fat gradually deposited on her body. All interest in life was lost for her and the only thing that remained with her was to see days slip into nights and nights turn into days.

Whatever the circumstances, life had to be lived. Casual friends came in occasionally, passed time with her over cupfuls of wine, and left. She could find none among them who would extend to her a few words of sincere warmth of love not to speak of owning her as a life partner.  She had never imagined that life would take such an unpleasant turn for her.  Meanwhile, she lost the solitary support of her mother who until then had overshadowed her life in its true sense.

One day, while casually talking to the head clerk of her office in whom she reposed faith, she was unable to hide her state of utter desperation in life. In reply, the head clerk alluded to a topic that astonished her to the core. He said, “Madam, I hope you remember a casual worker who worked in this office long ago, Sadanand by name, a very gentle and good-natured man who had a  spiritual aura about him. Taking pity on his condition, he had been put on a casual job by one of your predecessors. He worked for four to five years with sincerity and then disappeared suddenly. After some time the Supreme Court in one of its orders directed the Government to confirm all the casual employees and he was one of them. Consequently, we began to search for him so that he too derives the benefit of the windfall on the casual employees. It soon came to light that he had withdrawn from active life and had become a Sadhu. He had established an Ashram in a remote village which presents a wondrous spectacle. Thousands of people visited him daily to seek his blessings. Through day and night, Bhajans and Kirtans are sung by devotees. People say he has solved the problems of numerous individuals with his spiritual healing touch. Lots of people with serious ailments have been miraculously cured through his blessings. Surprisingly here in this office, everyone took him as a simpleton and unworthy of anything tangible!”

“Such things do happen. Human faces are usually deceptive. Nobody knows what’s hidden inside this frail frame, both good and bad! We all wear shoddy faces while the truth about us is known only to the almighty God. There are many such people who are blessed with strange spiritual powers but they do not display any traces of their exalted status from outside," responded Shivangi quickly.  

From that day onwards Shivangi nourished a strong desire to meet Swami Sadanand, though at the back of her mind was her own official superiority which resulted in some reluctance too. It was a struggle between her emotive behaviour and her reason. 

"How would she go to meet and prostrate herself before a person who was an ordinary casual worker in her office?" she would ask herself. But soon her reason retorted, “He is no longer your employee. He has renounced this world and become an ascetic. He is now an illuminated soul closer to the truth.”

Again her emotive behaviour outpoured its own resentment, “What would people say? Such a senior officer and bowing down before an ordinary worker, a peon of yesterday!”

Her reason came once again to her rescue, “Let people say what they say! Even Lord Rama didn’t escape the taunts of people!”

This fight between head and heart continued for quite some time till one day her reason was the winner and she decided to visit Swami Sadanand.

The next day, dressed in a simple khadi saree she reached Sadanand’s Ashram. She experienced a wonderful feeling of the liberation of spirit and ananda as she took the first step towards freedom from the shackles of life.

How much was she bound by the chains of worldly affairs! Though she was highly educated and intelligent yet she was unable to liberate herself from the ordinary fetters of life. In a life of loneliness and solitude with no one around to take care of her, she often wondered about her life's purpose. She drew a fat salary and owned a decent bungalow where she was scared to live alone. It was in fact the insecurities of her life that had overwhelmed her to the core. It is because of loneliness that she shifted to a small flat and rented out her big house in order to escape the insecurity on one hand and make some money on the other. The rent she paid for the flat was less than half compared to earnings from the house. Whenever she went on official tours she invariably ensured that the bills are paid by her hosts. Like other officers, she too overbilled her expenditures and claimed in her TA bills amounts far above what was expended by her. Sometimes you could see her fighting with the caretakers on petty expenditures.

It was beyond comprehension why she was so much after money and stingy in her spending. For whom was she collecting all her money and who was there to benefit from her huge savings? She could not be called a miser because she lavishly spent on her foreign liquor, expensive Cigarettes and Cigars. In fact, she had become addicted to certain habituations that she could not shed away, so she continued with these things like the sorrow that she had nurtured in her heart!

But now things were shaping up. Her visits to the Ashram of Swami Sadanand became a routine for her. Swami Ji had also come to know about her through common sources, so he extended due respect and compassion to her and stressed upon her to make amends for her current behaviour come what may. He sincerely desired that her life is saved from going inordinately wasteful like that. Shivangi involved herself fervently in the affairs of the Ashram. She made it a routine to be there every Friday evening without fail after office hours and returned home on Sunday evening. She also took a keen interest in the maintenance and upkeep of the Ashram and became its integral part.

Time marched on and years slipped by.  Shivangi attained the age of superannuation and retired from her service. Strange enough, the office presented a deserted look after she was gone which is rarely noticed in offices. Everyone missed her cheerful and carefree attitude, lively conversations full of confidence with her employees, attending farewell parties and extending lots of affection and love to all.

After retirement, she engaged herself almost full-time in the affairs of the Ashram. In spite of this, she did not seem to realize the true purpose of her life. The more stress she lay on her mind to get awakened to the truth of life, the more agony did she experience. Swami Ji tried his best to take her nearer to the realities of existence but the knots she had developed in her mind did not wear away. She continued to be feeling a vacuum inside her and was far from the absolute truth.

After some time she permanently shifted to the Ashram. Occasionally she fell into deep introspection thinking about her past life and her wasted career. In her desperateness, she would sometimes open her briefcase and examine her possessions, papers representing her savings in fidelity bonds and equity shares, bank deposits, and the ownership of immobile properties. She would often laugh looking at them, thinking about her inability to live a successful life and would question herself about the purpose of the riches she had accumulated throughout her life. What was this all? Did she do all this for eating two chapatis, a few helpings of vegetables and a bowlful of Dal? What good was this money for and what has her status ultimately bestowed on her? Just nothing! Everything seemed to be of no use to her now. A soft smile passed like a mild lightening over her lips and vanished as fast as it had come.

Exasperated, one day she called her advocate and told him, “Mr. Narang, I want to make my Will!”

“Okay, madam! Everything will be done as you desire!”

Shivangi opened all her papers before Mr Nararang and asked him, “Can you tell me about the market value of these assets?”

“I am a lawyer, madam, not an assessor. I cannot make a correct assessment of their value, however, I can give you a tentatively estimated value!”

“Okay, tell me what your estimate is? ”

Narang checked the papers one by one, made some rough calculations on his calculator and said after some time, “I guess it is a property worth about a crore!”

“It is okay; now draft for me complete papers of my Will as per law and get it registered in a court of law.”

“In whose name, madam? Who is going to be your heir? ”Narang asked.

“In the name of Swami Sadanand Trust! It has to be mentioned here that in the event of my death, this property shall stand transferred in the name of the said trust. I will pay whatever expenses are incurred on writing and registering the Will. Besides, I want a copy of Will to be sent to Swami Ji as well.”

The advocate looked with amazement at her but noticed a wonderful feeling of peace and contentment on her face. For the first time, Shivangi felt light without any encumbrances and at peace with herself.

That night she had such a peaceful sleep as experienced never before!

*****